Post by Bud on Apr 25, 2009 4:46:04 GMT -5
Welcome to the roast of Ta'Lab...Typically I wouldn't be hosting something like this but well lets be honest I lost the coin toss...When I look over at those 5 I can't help but ask myself what have they done that makes them so special that they get a roast...Actually I thought about this all night and I wrote down all of their accomplishments...Let me get it...
*Searches pockets*
Where did I put it???
*Looks down & rolls eyes*
OH there it is
Hey I figured what better place to write down what these guys have done than toilet paper...Afterall as you see its blank...They haven't done shit...
I almost feel sorry for them...I mean look at them...They sit there like a deer in the headlights and have no idea what is coming next...They heard roast and came running...At least I know that is why Mel is here...Sorry Mel but this isn't THAT kinda roast...What? No there is no food...Huh? NO it's not that kinda roast either...No one is being burned at the stake so your safe just sit over there and stop sweating crisco...If you keep on Bleeker's hair may actually lay down...
When I first met Mel I knew we had alot in common...She liked eating ding dongs and well I like dongs in my mouth...Hey it's KINDA the same thing...But I will never forget the first thing she told me..."Don't worry I won't bite you"...I wasn't sure if she was saying that because she is goth and didn't know my take on vampires or if she knew I saw that look in her eye that it was feeding time...But Mel is a good person...A strong competitor...Buffaholic (Buffy the Slayer not buff as in build as you can clearly see)...Loving wife...Caring mother...Wait I can't say that...She gave her kids a cat only to take it back...According to her it had issues...But if you ask me you know what they say...Here today "Chicken" Lo Mein tomorrow...
The real reason we are here however is to roast 5 "special" members of Ta'Lab...
There is Teabag...I mean Teagan...You have to be the 1st Hillary Swank dragqueen impersonator I've ever seen...OH you mean that it's a boy? I couldn't tell...I would have bet money Teagan was a prepubicent boy that hadn't lost his baby fat yet...Boy is my face red...Teagan the "girl" comes to us from Facebook...I hear the reason she left is because PETA kept turning in her page mistaking her picture for a walrus being abused...For some reason they took offense to someone dressing a walrus in clothes to tight for it...I mean can you blame them for the mistake? Just look at her...She has the leather skin, chubby cheeks, mustache (I mean "whiskers")...But Teagan does have some beauty just look at that beautiful smile...Hey that SAME smile won Heath Ledger the award as The Joker...Hey Teagan do you know how I got these scars? Maybe that was the abuse PETA complained about...Poor lil baby boy wounded walrus...Oh thats right its just Teagan...
Next to Teagan is Amanda...Or as I call her the slow one...Most people at least can spell their own name right...Ever seen her SN? Here let me show you...AMANAKA Stegman...So either she can't do even the simplest task or she is trying to tell us all something...Take your pick...Believe she can't spell her own name OR believe she is A Man aka a man named Stegman...Now many of you probally know Stegman is the biggest nerd you will ever meet...Aside from being int ORGs and being a LARKER she also loves Harry Potter...Now I know nothing about Harry Potter but I wish someone would tell one of the wizards they messed up a spell...They forgot to turn Amanda back from a frog...You have to give it up to Amanda though for being brave...She is one of only 2 Americans on Ta'Lab...Of course I'm sure the rest of her countrymen just all sighed at once that I would bring that up...They were hoping they could fly under the radar and never have to claim her...Afterall like America doesn't have enough image problems now THAT is the face of America...Hell if I looked like that I would pray for waterboarding...At least then they put a bag over your face...
Behind Amanda is LaFrance...I must say LaFrance has no equals...Superiors yes but no equals...I have to give it to Sandy though for the rename...You couldn't come up with a better name...Well unless you named him lazy foreigner who believes he is owed something, who is a drama queen yet runs from conflict and smells like moldy cheese...I'm not saying LaFrance is useless but Ta'Lab gets more play out of the Sandy/Corey vids they found on XTube...The only vid I know of from LaFrance however is from his middle school drama production...He played the tinman...He got so scared he rusted himself...LaFrance is so useless that after 3 games and 3 weeks with him here when I saw his name on the list I had to look it up...But I must admit I did find it...It was on a list banning him from returning to the local petting zoo...I would tell you what he did to the goat but this is a PG-13 show...However to be fair he did say later he thought it was his brother...
That brings me to Taylor...Taylor Street...Or as the guys back home know him Taylor's Treet...He tries so hard to pretend he's straight...Problem is I found a list entitled "You Might Be Gay If"...Well let me show you how Taylor did:
YOU MIGHT BE GAY IF
*If you can check off more than 3 of these things you might be gay*
1. Goes through extreme measures such as painting yourself gold and wearing a shit and still getting no action from the female photographer you are posing for CHECK
2. Talks with all guys or mainly all guys all night every night CHECK
3. Has to think about who you love more between a gay guy and a girl with huge knockers CHECK
4. Loves sappy soft music (wait I'm not sure about this one OH YEA) CHECK
5. Has never been touched by a girl CHECK
Sorry Taylor but if it makes you feel any better here is my number and address anytime you want to experiment you know how to reach me...
And last but certainly not least is Bleeker...This is what happens when Aussie fertilazation projects go wrong...That or what happens when Golum from Lord of the Rings and Edward Scissorhands have a lovechild...Seriously now in all of Australia you can't find a brush? But at least he can do one thing right...At least unlike CJ he can find himself on a map...He may not have the blurry videos to prove he's real but who would fake looking like that? He calls it his zoolander pose but I think it just belongs in a cage at the zoo...Bleeker was the first emo muppet...You didn't ever see him as daddy Beeker kept him locked in storage...I mean can you blame him...Your the smart muppet and THAT is your son...In true emo fashion he finally CUT the strings and now he is our problem...You know I could go on for days about Bleeker but this video of him in his own words says it best...
Thanks and GOOD NIGHT!!!
*Searches pockets*
Where did I put it???
*Looks down & rolls eyes*
OH there it is
Hey I figured what better place to write down what these guys have done than toilet paper...Afterall as you see its blank...They haven't done shit...
I almost feel sorry for them...I mean look at them...They sit there like a deer in the headlights and have no idea what is coming next...They heard roast and came running...At least I know that is why Mel is here...Sorry Mel but this isn't THAT kinda roast...What? No there is no food...Huh? NO it's not that kinda roast either...No one is being burned at the stake so your safe just sit over there and stop sweating crisco...If you keep on Bleeker's hair may actually lay down...
When I first met Mel I knew we had alot in common...She liked eating ding dongs and well I like dongs in my mouth...Hey it's KINDA the same thing...But I will never forget the first thing she told me..."Don't worry I won't bite you"...I wasn't sure if she was saying that because she is goth and didn't know my take on vampires or if she knew I saw that look in her eye that it was feeding time...But Mel is a good person...A strong competitor...Buffaholic (Buffy the Slayer not buff as in build as you can clearly see)...Loving wife...Caring mother...Wait I can't say that...She gave her kids a cat only to take it back...According to her it had issues...But if you ask me you know what they say...Here today "Chicken" Lo Mein tomorrow...
The real reason we are here however is to roast 5 "special" members of Ta'Lab...
There is Teabag...I mean Teagan...You have to be the 1st Hillary Swank dragqueen impersonator I've ever seen...OH you mean that it's a boy? I couldn't tell...I would have bet money Teagan was a prepubicent boy that hadn't lost his baby fat yet...Boy is my face red...Teagan the "girl" comes to us from Facebook...I hear the reason she left is because PETA kept turning in her page mistaking her picture for a walrus being abused...For some reason they took offense to someone dressing a walrus in clothes to tight for it...I mean can you blame them for the mistake? Just look at her...She has the leather skin, chubby cheeks, mustache (I mean "whiskers")...But Teagan does have some beauty just look at that beautiful smile...Hey that SAME smile won Heath Ledger the award as The Joker...Hey Teagan do you know how I got these scars? Maybe that was the abuse PETA complained about...Poor lil baby boy wounded walrus...Oh thats right its just Teagan...
Next to Teagan is Amanda...Or as I call her the slow one...Most people at least can spell their own name right...Ever seen her SN? Here let me show you...AMANAKA Stegman...So either she can't do even the simplest task or she is trying to tell us all something...Take your pick...Believe she can't spell her own name OR believe she is A Man aka a man named Stegman...Now many of you probally know Stegman is the biggest nerd you will ever meet...Aside from being int ORGs and being a LARKER she also loves Harry Potter...Now I know nothing about Harry Potter but I wish someone would tell one of the wizards they messed up a spell...They forgot to turn Amanda back from a frog...You have to give it up to Amanda though for being brave...She is one of only 2 Americans on Ta'Lab...Of course I'm sure the rest of her countrymen just all sighed at once that I would bring that up...They were hoping they could fly under the radar and never have to claim her...Afterall like America doesn't have enough image problems now THAT is the face of America...Hell if I looked like that I would pray for waterboarding...At least then they put a bag over your face...
Behind Amanda is LaFrance...I must say LaFrance has no equals...Superiors yes but no equals...I have to give it to Sandy though for the rename...You couldn't come up with a better name...Well unless you named him lazy foreigner who believes he is owed something, who is a drama queen yet runs from conflict and smells like moldy cheese...I'm not saying LaFrance is useless but Ta'Lab gets more play out of the Sandy/Corey vids they found on XTube...The only vid I know of from LaFrance however is from his middle school drama production...He played the tinman...He got so scared he rusted himself...LaFrance is so useless that after 3 games and 3 weeks with him here when I saw his name on the list I had to look it up...But I must admit I did find it...It was on a list banning him from returning to the local petting zoo...I would tell you what he did to the goat but this is a PG-13 show...However to be fair he did say later he thought it was his brother...
That brings me to Taylor...Taylor Street...Or as the guys back home know him Taylor's Treet...He tries so hard to pretend he's straight...Problem is I found a list entitled "You Might Be Gay If"...Well let me show you how Taylor did:
YOU MIGHT BE GAY IF
*If you can check off more than 3 of these things you might be gay*
1. Goes through extreme measures such as painting yourself gold and wearing a shit and still getting no action from the female photographer you are posing for CHECK
2. Talks with all guys or mainly all guys all night every night CHECK
3. Has to think about who you love more between a gay guy and a girl with huge knockers CHECK
4. Loves sappy soft music (wait I'm not sure about this one OH YEA) CHECK
5. Has never been touched by a girl CHECK
Sorry Taylor but if it makes you feel any better here is my number and address anytime you want to experiment you know how to reach me...
And last but certainly not least is Bleeker...This is what happens when Aussie fertilazation projects go wrong...That or what happens when Golum from Lord of the Rings and Edward Scissorhands have a lovechild...Seriously now in all of Australia you can't find a brush? But at least he can do one thing right...At least unlike CJ he can find himself on a map...He may not have the blurry videos to prove he's real but who would fake looking like that? He calls it his zoolander pose but I think it just belongs in a cage at the zoo...Bleeker was the first emo muppet...You didn't ever see him as daddy Beeker kept him locked in storage...I mean can you blame him...Your the smart muppet and THAT is your son...In true emo fashion he finally CUT the strings and now he is our problem...You know I could go on for days about Bleeker but this video of him in his own words says it best...
Thanks and GOOD NIGHT!!!
